Severus Trelawney
by yoshi09
Summary: Severus Snape hated breakfast. It used to be his favorite 30 minutes of the day consisting of a routine quiet browse through the Daily Prophet whilst eating toast, and maybe even leaving a Gryffindor in tears. Then along came Albus with his FANTASTIC idea


**Severus Trelawney** by _yoshi09_

Rating: PG  
Warning: none (except this fic is un-beta'd)  
Genre: Amusement/Humor/Romance?  
Pairings: Severus Snape/Sibyll Trelawney  
Summary: Albus Dumbledore has placed all the teachers into assigned seats for the promotion of inter-house unity within the students by using the staff as role models. Unfortunately for Severus, he got seated into the one place he doesn't want to be- next to the Divinations teacher has a crush on him, and has a rather eccentric way of showing it.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the staff, otherwise I'd be a very happy Hufflepuff graduate of Hogwarts. the characters are owned by Miss Rowling, and I know many people envious of that.

A/N: i actually had fun writing this, i don't know why.  
**This is a Snape/Trelawney one shot challenge response for the DarkMark forums**

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"Ah, I'm getting a vision… I'm getting a vision. My third eye tells me… It will rain today."

The staff members on either side of the Divinations teacher that heard her make the prediction looked from her to the uncomfortably sunny and cloudless hot, dry summer day- an owl flapping by the window dropping from heat stroke.

"I think there's something in your third eye," Snape said scathingly, as the rest of the professors smiled politely in order to hide their amusement and turned back to their meals.

"The prospects of Divination should never be underestimated, Severus," she replied in wide-eyed delirium. It was no secret that Sibyll Trelawney had some sort of fondness for Severus, and he honestly couldn't care less, but that didn't have to mean the crazed female had to bring him down with her by trying to impress him and make a fool out of the both of them. She looked down at his knife, which was still cutting the rather overcooked meat in a deliberate, yet hopeless way. He had been at it now for a full five minutes, not taking the hint the rest of the staff took as they had already discarded the tired granite-like protein to the side of their plates in mild distaste. She looked back up at him, momentarily breaking out of her reverie and said in her usual ominous voice,

"I sense much violence in your future."

"Thank you. I'll remember that next time I consider shoving this stone replica of what seems to be steak down your throat, Sibyll. Accidentally, of course." he replied disinterestedly.

She seemed undeterred as she raised her eyebrows at him, "Let me look at your palm."

He shuddered violently, an appalled look gracing Severus Snape's features at the idea of that _thing_ touching him and he willingly obliging to it. Sibyll, though, thought that was a quiver of horror for the awesome powers of foresight she possessed, and smiled knowingly.

"Divination is not to be feared, Severus, only respected."

Severus looked at her for the first time that morning, his oily hair flapping disdainfully as he whipped her head around to face her.

"I like my mornings, _quiet_. I thought we established this at the beginning of the year."

Trelawney wasn't listening. She was tut-tutting at the spoon arrangement, and murmuring that it was an omen since the moon was aligned with Jupiter that night. Apparently, the potion he had spiked Trelawney's pumpkin juice to keep her in a state of deep sleep, very very deep sleep… to the point she would probably be better off dead (Snape grinned inwardly at this idea) yesterday morning hadn't dissuaded her from striking boring conversation with him today. If Trelawney was a few inches taller, had disgustingly unkempt dark hair, and a scar that was shaped into a lightning bolt, Snape would accuse her of trying to personally annoy him to death.

At first, Severus had tried a concoction that caused her lips to glue together for 30 minutes- which was usually the amount of time it took him to finish reading the Daily Prophet, reprimand a student, deduct points from Gryffindor, and eat breakfast before gliding out of the Great Hall much akin to the grace of a bat out of hell (the order of those tasks varying depending on his mood). But his peers noted that Sibyll wasn't able to eat for some reason, much less open her mouth, so they promptly asked her neighbor (Severus) to create a potion to work her appetite again. Damn his peers for being so observant. Actually, damn Albus Dumbledore for placing him in this predicament to begin with. Albus had positioned them into this seating arrangement like they were children all over again, and asides from Snape, everyone seemed to be enjoying the assigned seats. It meant no more intelligent conversation with Minerva McGonagall on the proper way to discipline students, Severus spurring on the idea of reinforcing the Torturing Students for Their Own Good (and Teacher's pleasure) Act of 1937, while Minerva vied for students' rights and policy. It also meant no more advice from the Hufflepuff Head, Pomona Sprout, about what herbs he should use to increase the effectiveness on certain potions. Albus had cheerfully chirped to the staff that it was for the reason of something about showing "intertwining house unity," and placing the Heads of Houses as far apart from each other on the staff table in order to "discuss positive matters with peers you wouldn't normally talk to."

It wasn't working because every day Severus sat next to the damned Trelawney woman the only positive thing he could think of was the varying ways of murdering her.

He tried asking for another seat, but Albus' mouth merely upturned into that all-knowing smile accompanied with that condescending twinkle in his eye telling him that it was because of quandaries like these that he set them up to begin with.

Severus Snape was not a _child_ anymore! He wrinkled his nose in disgust when he realized how childish that phrase sounded, even to himself. He reasserted his beliefs with the thought that he didn't need to be forcefully placed in someone else's company and suddenly _adapt_ to the situation and "make the best of it." Where in his resume did it say "friendly Hufflepuff," or "intelligently adaptable Ravenclaw," or "suicidal Gryffindor"? He was sorted into Slytherin, and his _Slytherin_ cunning told him that the woman was bloody MAD…

And day by day, he was starting to think that losing your sanity was contagious because he started actually getting _used_ to being around her. Merlin, forbid.

There was a reason Severus taught in the furthermost reaches of the castle in the cold dungeons as opposed to the North stuffy tower where she taught. To get away from her. How hard was that for a Headmaster to understand?

"…Saturn's rings in combination to the rage of the south star could send the…"

God damn it, she was still talking. Snape could've sworn she stopped a few minutes ago. 

"…which is why you shouldn't wear black robes." she finished.

Severus was just about to stab a morsel of his pancake, the steak placed on the Prophet as a forgotten paperweight, when he realized his left hand was no longer holding the steak knife. 

Well, that wasn't right.

Wait… that could only mean…

"GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF ME!" Severus screeched.

The whole of the Great Hall looked up at potion's master who had just snatched his hand away from Sibyll who was dictating to his left palm what his grim future was to hold. After a few seconds of unnatural silence, the whole hall went back to normal, completely disregarding the previous interruption to their conversation and meal.

She was blinking perceptively at him, as if seeing him for the first time. He glowered in return.

"Oh, don't tell me you two are breaking up," said the short Ravenclaw Head unhelpfully from a few seats down as he levitated the ketchup in between them and back to where he sat.

"Now, now Filius…no need to provoke the two," said McGonagall a few more seats to the right of him, laughter in the crinkles at the corner of her eyes.

Oh, so now the staff was making up rumors about them… and not just the staff, the Heads of Houses- the very comrades who backed him in his theories and encouraged him to take up the respectable role of Head of Slytherin to begin with! They were supposed to be the most mature of the school and being role models to prospective, civil adults of the wizarding world, not giggling like little 4th years behind his back.

So life wasn't fair. He was not going to stomp his foot, he was NOT going to stomp his foot. Severus repeated this mantra in his head over and over, successfully calming himself down, before finally returning his attention to the very thing that caused him suffering,

"Don't. Touch. Me," Snape said in a deathly low growl in what he hoped didn't sound like an invitation.

Sibyll was looking at him through the thick and incredibly large frames of her glasses as if she had found a curiously unrecognizable shape at the bottom of one of her seer tea cups.

"You do have the loveliest dark eyes, Severus. Like black holes that suck whole worlds and destroy civilizations into twisting vortexes of oblivion."

Severus could hear Hagrid snickering two seats away from Trelawney at him, and someone who he couldn't see next to him mutter something like "How romantic" in his direction. He had to consciously tell himself not to roll his eyes.

"And your hair… it's like a tamed yet waxy fanged geranium that looks like they never have any sun."

Severus could hear Poppy Pomfrey let out a chortle of laughter that soon turned into a series of hacking coughs to hide her mirth when Severus glared at her venomously.

"And the sallow shade of your skin is like the color of werewolf saliva when they are in heat."

The staff members that could hear Sibyll hurriedly stuffed a few biscuits or started to drink in unsightly large gulps in order to distract themselves from the laughter that shook the table from the tremors of hilarity in their shoulders and bodies.

"Sibyll," he said lowering his voice so she had to bend closer to him to hear, "Do you enjoy your life?"

She blinked at him, unsure of where this was going, and seemingly unnerved by it as she was a seer,

"Yes."

He straightened up, and brushed off his robes as if he had dust on them to begin with, "Well then. Kindly do yourself a favor and keep your feeble attempt at complimenting me in order to win me over and consider you anything more than friends."

Trelawney blinked at him in surprise. He immediately regretted the words.

"So we're friends?"

"No," he said through clenched teeth.

"But you said-"

"No!" Severus was fuming.

"Hey Aurora," said McGonagall loudly to the Astronomy teacher near her, "I think there's actually color in Severus' cheeks. I think he may be blushing!"

Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House, potion's master extrordinaire, most feared professor on campus, did the only thing he could think of. He got up, and fled from the Great Hall in a billow of black robes, and suppressed curses under his breath. Sibyll was completely oblivious, and went back to figuring out the assortment of bad omens for various students that appeared on her breakfast plate- a stack of untouched pancakes for displeasure, bacon for forbidden situation, scrambled eggs for misfortune and so on and so forth.

"Oh dear, I do believe we hurt Severus Trelawney's feelings," whispered Filius Flitwick with a grin, pleased with the new nickname he picked up for him.

--end--

A/N: hope you guys liked it. review please, it'll make me feel warm.

yoshi09


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